In this fast-paced world where you don't have time to breathe, you go into deals or jobs that looked fine on the first look, until you realise you're drowning in the sea and no one there to offer their hand for your to hold on to. And for a good period, you have no idea where you are. Just that you're in something that you took without seeing the bigger picture. And now, you feel stuck, suffocated, and on the verge of a panic attack because you have no idea what you're doing.

And when you finally make a decision, you're afraid. You're afraid because you have no idea where you'll be after you leave - just that you're finally leaving. Leaving is going to give you room to breathe. It's going to give you the freedom you so desperately crave. But that doesn't mean the trepidation isn't there. The apprehension of the unknown. The confusion of going out of the sea and diving into the ocean.

Yet you can't help but be excited at the same time. The unknown that you were so worried about also gives you the sense of thrill that you absolutely love. You still have no idea what you're doing, but this time, freedom is right beside you. And you're using whatever you have gained from the past to guide you. Because you know better this time. Because you have matured. Funnily enough, you have no idea if you're really supposed to be apprehensive and excited at the same time. And it adds to the mish-mash of emotions waiting to burst out. Confusion adds into the mix, and you wonder (again) why you're still in one piece. Why, with every emotion in your pores, a combustion has yet to happen.

But the ocean is getting bluer. And you're getting more and more interested about what lies beneath it. You're worried for your safety, but your curious mind won't let you rest; not until you get the answers you're looking for.

The first time I "met" with Spider-Man, I was three years old. I was watching TV on a Saturday morning when I saw an episode of a Spider-Man cartoon. I couldn't remember what the episode was about, but I do remember being so enthralled at the dude in the red and blue spandex shooting webs and swinging through New York City. This was the start of my love affair with Marvel.

When we visited the US last year, a trip to NYC was necessary. And while we were there, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was in the middle of filming. My head was spinning and turning, looking for any sign of the cast and crew. Sadly, I didn't get to see any of them, but I was half-expecting a red-and-blue blur to swing past me. Because come on, that was Spider-Man. The Spider-Man. I even wanted to see the Green Goblin because that was Harry Osborn! Harry. Osborn. Can't go wrong with the perfectly flawed friendship of Peter Parker and Harry Osborn.

Spider-Man is, quite frankly, the hero of geeky and awkward teenagers around the world. I was an awkward kid. I was loud, but I was an awkward kid. I have a bad case of word vomit and literally do not filter what I say sometimes. There were times when my classmates and teachers would glare at me for spouting out things I'm not supposed to say. I worked on it and it's not as bad as before (I mean it's still there but not as much or whatever). While I am inspired by a lot of things, Spider-Man will always be my word-vomit/sassy-comeback inspiration.

But let's not forget the iconic Spider-Man line: With great power comes great responsibility. My parents always taught me to be responsible for a lot of things. And when I'm made in-charge of something, I have to be responsible. I met a lot of people who always slacked off when they got to higher ground. And I deal with this kind of people all the time. Literally, all the time. Since I was in elementary, I've met loads of freeloaders and credit-grabbers. Surprise, surprise, these people still exist (when did they ever cease to exist anyway?) and they're getting better at it every single time. There was a time when I became a class officer and the class president offloaded her work to me and made me do everything. I took it, I did the job, and being a sneaky little "pest", told the adviser about it. The president was so mad at me, she confronted me about it in class. I just shrugged it off and told her, "Spider-Man would be so disappointed in you for not taking your responsibilities seriously." She was annoyed even more because I just compared her to a fictional character--that a fictional character was so much better than she was.

But the thing I love the most about Spider-Man is that even with all the things thrown at him--Gwen's death, Harry becoming the Green Goblin, his powers that he has no idea what to do with initially, the city pretty much painting him as a vigilante/criminal--he still manages to be fun. The sarcasm just drips off him and he just finds more ways to annoy people and have fun with it. Like Deadpool (which is also another character who is so awesome but we really must not delve into now because this blog could only take so much sarcasm and I'm already giving it too much). He doesn't run out of comebacks ever. Like even in the midst of chaos and insanity, he still screws you over by playing around like the kid he is. Because that's what he is: a kid.

18 years later, I've seen the five Spider-Man movies (the three Sam Raimis and two Marc Webbs), seen the cartoons, read Spider-Man comics in my spare time (which is scarce, by the way, because I read a lot of books, watch a lot of series and movies, hang out with my friends and family, and Tumblr), and read fanfiction here and there. Spider-Man is one of the things I stick to when I need to get away from reality. Like right now. I always said that I'm so emotionally-invested in a lot of things, but I'm only emotionally-invested in these things when I know I get something out of it.

Frankly speaking, I always wanted to try swinging from the New York City skyscrapers.

Dear you,

It's been a year, hasn't it? A year since you played with not one, not two, but three hearts. And until this day, I think about how incredibly stupid I have been for letting you turn me into one of your toys. It's been a year since I fell for your stupid charms that shouldn't have worked on me but it did. And I still curse myself for letting my guard down and let you in.

I remember the pain. Oh yes, I remember the pain of you suddenly giving me the cold shoulder as if I did something wrong. And for a while, I did think that I did something wrong. That maybe I was far too attached. That maybe I wasn't the open book that you "expected me to be". I went as far as thinking that maybe I should change because there was something wrong with me. I have the tendency to overthink things and this is what led me to that conclusion.

But the people around me were quick to shoot it down. Because this was exactly the kind of relationship I was going against. They were surprised at me that I actually went into this kind of hellhole because they know this is what I hated the most. And they said I must have seen something in you that made me believe otherwise and took the risk. But that's what life is, isn't it? It's about taking risks. And I did. Sadly, the risk I took didn't do me any good. I didn't cry, thankfully. I was just incredibly curious. That may be the reason why I'm so quick to shoot you down then: you weren't important enough for me to cry over.

I have to thank you for some things though. You taught me that just because people look nice doesn't necessarily mean they are. I mean look at you! You smiled a lot. You were friendly too. And kind. But underneath all that, you were a harsh player and I played this game with you. You won the first round, I'd have to give you that. You played your pieces right and I fell right into the trap. But I'm a girl who likes revenge, you see. And I'm pretty sure you knew that because you kept shoving your new relationship status to my throat. But the thing is, I have the best revenge plots. How's your new life treating you then? I heard you have zero friends now. Guess they heard about what you said about them behind your back. Don't worry, no one likes you too.

Oh! Thanks for the memories (cue FOB's "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"). Dude, I had so much fun in our outings. Plus I did appreciate your covers, just so I could be motivated again. You also were my anchor when I was ready to give up. But hey, I guess you didn't remember much of that. I mean judging by your passive-aggressive posts on Twitter and Facebook (that you're still doing today, but to other people), you just chose to forget everything else. Huh. Fascinating. For someone who tells other people to grow up, you sure as hell are doing a great job at it.

Also, don't think you can pull off a Lucien Carr a la Kill Your Darlings (2013). Dude, that's just ridiculous. You are nowhere near Lucien Carr (or any of the Beat Generation. Or any writer for that matter!) and I am offended that you think so.

Well. Until we see each other again, I guess. I hope I'm not as annoyed at you as I am now. Keyword being annoyed. You should've seen me in the first two months this thing happened. I was downright furious and so ready to burn you to the ground. But, I'm over it. I got my revenge, didn't I? Now I'm just annoyed. I still don't want to see you though.

Sincerely not yours,

me

P.S. Hope your girlfriend grows up too and stops sending me messages. It's childish and disgusting. Ew, okay? You're not Leonardo Dicaprio for me to sob hysterically over. And for Spiderman's sake, it's been a year. Get over it.

Blame games are inevitable. So does taking credit for something they didn't do. And when it happens in your work environment, it's a lot worse. The work relationship between you and whoever that person may be becomes toxic, you just dread every single day you go to work. When something goes wrong with your project or proposal or whatever, the blame goes to you. When something good happens, it's all him/her. Applaud the superficiality.

Another incredibly bad thing is when someone else's responsibilities fall on you. I was raised to own up on your responsibilities. When they're not yours, assist. But whatever happens, you are not to take responsibility for anything that wasn't yours to begin with. In work, there will always be people who will push their responsibilities to other people so they won't have to work a sweat and carry on with other activities. I made the mistake of letting someone push their responsibilities to me. I was new in work and I had little to no idea how everything works. But I learned. Safe to say, the relationship I have with the person is non-existent now.

But what pisses me off more is when people deliberately do things to possess things that are not even theirs. They would literally sacrifice their dignities for materialistic sake. I pity these people and they disgust me all the same. I pity them because they literally would lay down their dignity for something as materialistic as a phone or a tablet. It's mad what they do to be with the "in" crowd. And it's disgusting at the same time because you would rather own a smartphone or tablet that would fade in a couple of years (a couple of months, give or take) than dignity. It might look good now, but the road is bleak in the long run.

Everyone has faults. I know I'm not perfect and I have faults all the same. I tend to lose focus easily, I have a really sharp tongue and I tend to get aggressive when situation calls it. But I think I'd rather have these faults than have to sell my soul to the devil and let go of whatever dignity I have left.

Three weeks ago, we went to Palawan for a vacation with my sister's friends and their parents and siblings. The sun, the sea, the breeze, the people, and basically everything that made vacation a "vacation." When I'm not swimming (or doing something equally fun), I would sit down with the adults and listen to them talk about whatever. One of the topics that they always delved into was commuting. During these conversations, I learned that my sister's friend's siblings (who are older than me) did not know how to commute. My dad, safe to say, was surprised. It turns out, the parents of those people never did teach them how to commute and would literally make them carpool everywhere they went (taxis do not count).

Honestly, I think learning how to commute (and no, not taxis) is something like a rite of passage. When I was in high school, we had a whole course teaching us how to commute. And you wouldn't look so clueless when you need to go some place without a taxi. I think I'm actually one of the very few who likes commuting in the city. Most of the time, I use it as an excuse to explore the city. There's so much to see in Manila that we haven't really seen yet. Granted, the city also has its danger spots. But without commuting, one wouldn't learn of this.

And really, let's go on an adventure and let's start with Manila.

Learn a local language.

Learn a local language and find yourself getting big discounts from merchants at the market. There will always be two sets of rates and prices for food and pasalubong: one for the locals, and one for the tourists. They can tell you're a tourist when you only speak either Tagalog or English. Most of the time, just speaking the local language can give you at least a 10% discount (emphasis on AT LEAST).

Learn a local language and find yourself having even more fun during festivals. The country is absolutely festive, having at least one or two (or more!) fiestas in one month. If you find yourself on a mission to travel around the Philippines to attend every festival, you'll have an easier time finding your way through the throngs of people in the streets.

Learn a local language and get the warmest of greetings from food places and lodging. They know you're a tourist, but they (or at least from what I have observed) find it amusing that you took the time to learn at least the basics of Ilokano or Bisaya. Granted, they may be amused because you can't get the accent or pronunciation right, it's still A+ for effort on your part. And you don't sound snobbish too!

Learn a local language and immerse yourself in their culture. Find yourself in a culture so unlike your own, yet so like you at the same time. Find yourself fishing with the Ilokanos and Pangalatoks, or eating lechon with the Cebuanos. Go horseback-riding in Baguio, or looking at the eagles in Davao or the tarsiers in Bohol. Swim with the butandings (whale sharks) in Sorsogon, or with the pawikans and the dolphins in Ozamiz. How about looking at the difference between the crocodiles in Palawan and in Davao? Whatever the case, the local language is one of the best ways to immerse yourself in a local culture that you know it exists, but you have no idea how it feels like to be part of that.

Learn a local language and see the difference it makes.

Learn a local language and give the local cultures the love they deserve.

2013.

For some, this was the dreaded "13" year. For others, this was the year they felt was the best because let's face it, we "survived" the supposed doomsday.

For me, it was a bit of both.

This was the year where I was in transition. In just a matter of months, I went from being a student to being part of the real world, or the world of the working class. During the first three months of the year, the only problems I had were passing every subject and handing in a stellar thesis. When April came and I graduated from college, I thought, "what's next?" A month-long sabbatical was in order, and the vacation in the US was a welcome break from thinking of the immediate future. This trip was a milestone in my life, it being my first time to the country. Coming back from that dream, I realised that I couldn't put off the hunt for the job opportunities.

It was hard, I could tell you that much. I probably sent my resume to multiple companies and organisations, yet not one answered. Frankly speaking, I was not used to having page after page of my planner blank. I was in a slump for a week, until I pulled myself together and thought ahead. If, by the end of October, I still had nothing, I would pursue my dream of a career in international relations. And the only way to do that is to go back to studying, this time for an MA.

But fate was playful, and here came the opportunity. Currently, I am employed in an NGO and while I have no regrets to joining the organisation, the transition stage from student to employee is still a bit hard to overcome. While I may have adjusted fairly well to the environment, I still can't help but miss the feeling of being a student.

But those aren't the only changes in my life. To be quite honest, my taste in music and film has gone back to whatever I liked before K-Pop and some sort of revelation came to me—that K-Pop really was just a phase.

Friends are also a matter of interest this year. Just last February, we had our class retreat. I was rereading the retreat letters I received and I noticed that a lot of things changed since then. Many of the letters I got told me, "I will never leave you, no matter the circumstance, because that's what friends do." In a matter of months, about half the people who told me that were suddenly like strangers to me. I have no idea what they're doing and they have no idea what I'm doing. On the rare situations where we meet, the conversations are suddenly clipped and detached. The realisation that words could only be just that makes me feel disheartened. But I like to believe that these people may not be really meant to be part of my future. Rather, they're part of a past—a bright and colourful past that I will never forget. Plus, I won't lose my optimism over this—not when I think that a person out there somewhere is someone who could change my life (hopefully for the good and not the other way around).

For twenty years, I felt year after year pass by so fast. And in the last two years, I finally noticed that I was missing something. I still don't know what it is I'm missing and I'm pretty sure I haven't found it yet, but I'm in no rush to find it. My friend did tell me before, "take it easy, everything will come when you least expect it."

Still, 2013 is gone in a matter of hours and 2014 is coming in. A new book starts, a new planner is waiting to be filled, and new adventures are starting to arise. Who knows? I might find whatever it is that I'm looking for this year.

With this, I raise my glass to the New Year.